21 weeks

My home office contains random pictures containing significant events and people that are meaningful to me. Next to my desk is a photo of a one-year-old Jack nestled in my arms with Aaron standing behind me. Jack will turn 14 next month.

14.

I look at the picture and marvel. The past is murky and events mesh together. As I recall memories, everything is a few years ago and yet when I stop to think the time passed is usually much farther away.

Aaron and I have been married 19 years. I have carried the title as computer programmer for 17. College graduate 16 years ago. Mother for almost 14.

Henry, my baby, starts kindergarten this year. 5 years old. He loves life and teaches me to see the joy. Millie second grade, 7 years old. She teaches me kindness, goodness, and acceptance. Calvin, 11. He sees things most do not and gives me hope in the next generation. Jack almost 14 years old. Determined and driven. He will make his mark.

I am now awaiting another baby. 21 weeks along. Starting over just as my youngest goes to kindergarten and excited to see what this new one will teach.

I sometimes forget my age. It is just one more number to remember, 38. The picture with the younger version of Aaron, Jack, and myself next to my desk deceives me. Wasn't that just a couple years ago?

First Lego League - Elementary Team

Last year, Jack participated in a Lego Robotic Team. This year, I decided to get a bit more involved and the coach decided to form two teams: One for elementary and one for junior high kids.

This is a really cool program where teams compete all around the world. Every year there is a specific theme selected. This year's theme was Food Factor.


The competition is basically split up into three areas:

1. Robot design and programming
2. Research project
3. Core Values - Working as a team

Last year was Utah's first attempt at the Lego competition with about 50 teams statewide. This year there were around 150 teams which necessitated regional competitions.

During the robotic competition two teams compete at the same time. This picture shows Jack and Calvin's team mano y mano. (I really wished I would have paid better attention in Mr. Morris' Spanish class. What is the word for group on group? Whatever. You get the point.)



I was quite surprised when both teams moved on from the regional competition to the state competition. Well done.

First Lego League - Jr High Team

Here are the Mind Bogglers just about ready for the opening ceremonies.

Last minute Coding

Judges watch the robotic competition and the boys must validate that they agree with their scoring sheet.



Love this picture of Connor

Rest in Peace, Grandma Elaine

I am a touchy person. Not in the moody sense, but in the literal sense. A lot of restraint needs to be practiced to not rub the bellies of random pregnant women. Aaron told me years later that on our third date he was quite distracted by the fact that I draped my legs over his at a movie theatre. I have no recollection of that at all. I assume I just wanted to be more comfortable.

That said, nothing prepared for the life force of Grandma Elaine on our first meeting. I cannot recall if Aaron and I were engaged or just seriously dating, but it was time to meet his extended family. Feeling a bit overwhelmed and nervous, we opened the door to grandma's house and I heard a booming voice yell, "KIM!!!!" followed by a rushing sound of movement. She enveloped me in a bear hug and I glanced nervously to Aaron. Was this normal? Should I be afraid?

Grandma treated me like we were long lost friends from the first time she met me.

It did not take me long to return the affection.

Grandma was funny. So funny. And it was always more funny coming out of the frame of an older woman. Aaron had to say a few things at her funeral. He told me he worried that his comments sounded like a comedy routine. But, you cannot talk about grandma without laughter.

At my Bell family wedding shower, I was perplexed when I opened her gift and found a box of matches along with her gift. Quizzically, I looked at her. "Listen," she told me. "You are going to thank me for these when Aaron is done using the bathroom."

At my first Bell family event, after the dishes were done she excused herself and came back wearing a visor with a green felt gaming table cover. "$1 to play," she bellowed.

I remember one of the little kids telling her they did not have any money. "Go find your parents," she said. "No one plays without money." I thought for certain, she must be joking, but as I watched I realized there was no joking in grandma's gambling games.

She served as relief society president four times. She was a feisty woman with a heart of gold. When I left her presence, she always held my arm and looked directly in my eyes to tell me she loved me.

Rest in Peace, Grandma Elaine. Although if I know you at all, there will probably be very little rest or peace and a lot of laughter and partying.

White People Problems

I have anxiety. I have mentioned this before. This issue has led me to try many different things to try and alleviate the anxiety over the years. I have found many things that help, but I cannot seem to rid myself of the attacks completely.

I vacillate between asking a higher power to remove the anxiety and then feeling guilty that this is all I have to deal with. I don't have cancer. This is not life threatening. My children are healthy. Aaron and I have jobs. We can pay bills. We have food to eat. It reminds me of The White People Problems skit on SNL a few weeks ago.

Sometimes, my heart races and I feel out of control. Wah. And yet, in the midst of the attacks I cannot see past the moment.

So, onto the next hopeful remedy. Going through my journal I realized I have been talking about meditation for the past few years. I listened to a podcast about six months ago and have attempted to start adding meditation into my day. Struggling, I contacted the meditation guru from the podcast and asked if he knew anyone that taught meditation. Surprisingly, he said he would meet with me and I have an appointment coming up this next week.

Is it ridiculous that my anxiety is out of control thinking about this appointment that is supposed to help the anxiety?

Christmas 2011

Our Christmas was lovely. That word feels a little refined coming out of my mouth, but it is the word that keeps coming to mind. Our Christmas really had a good blend of the right things, plenty of family and down time with plenty of games thrown in for Aaron.

The Christmas celebration kicked off with a party with the Bells




Calvin as the innkeeper with his Indiana Jones hat. We bought this hat a few summers ago and I worried it would be a waste of money, but he has certainly gotten his use out of it. Funny kid.




Dall as the angel with Wyatt




Nicole as Mary, Brighton as Joseph, and Braden as the donkey




Jack graduated to piano player




Millie and Josh as shepherds




Henry and Ezra as *extremely* wise men




Matt and Shawnee provided a game. The objective: Get an Oreo from the forehead to the mouth only using your face muscles




The Bell boys, except Aaron, were quite good at this - impressive eyebrow muscles. Dall held his own with the big boys too.




When we went to visit Great Grandma, she had this picture of herself. She still has her sense of humor. It cracked me up.

Then, onto the Gyllenskog party.




Harry, Max, Calvin, and Troy as wisemen.




The Morgans




Harry and Charlie




Brooke




Sam, without the donkey mask




Henry as a bored Joseph, Harper as sweet Mary, watched over by her mom, Millie and Jared as shepherds






Jack at the piano




Bry surprised us by pulling out Grandma G's saxophone and playing Grandpa L's Old Man River. No one knew it was coming and it was a little emotionally overwhelming. Krissy followed up with an amazing vocal rendition of Holy City.




For the past few years, my "dad" has played a game of Let's Make a Deal with the family. There are presents wrapped and multiple envelopes with varying amounts of money in them. For a very competitive group, it can get ugly. In fact, the adults were no longer invited to play a few years ago because of bad sportsmanship.

We have had a few hosts grace us with their presence. This year, we were introduced to Dukus Festivus in honor of Grandpa Duke.







Jack winning an Awkward Family Photos Game




Henry very excitedly getting beloved M&Ms




We forgot to take pictures of the kids' ornaments before Christmas Eve. This first picture is taken right after Henry opened his Christmas pajamas. Unfortunately, we had told him all week that he would be able to open a present on Christmas Eve. He did not realize the tradition and was pretty ticked when he found that it was stupid pajamas which precipitated a pretty significant tantrum.




I can't remember what Aaron said, but he got him turned him around.




Millie with her ballerina




Calvin with some animal, was it a chipmunk?




Jack with his elephant




Group shot

So oddly enough, I have no pictures of Christmas morning, plenty of video, but no pictures. Santa brought Jack a cell phone, Calvin a Liverpool Keeper jersey, Millie a robotic dog, and Henry a Galactic Heroes Millenial Falcon.

This year I spent about half, okay about 60% to be exact, of what I did in 2010. I am having a harder time justifying spending so much money on Christmas. I warned the kids, but worried about how the kids would do on Christmas morning. Henry was a little disappointed, but I think he is in that stage where it is never enough.

As I looked at what each child got, I did not feel sick to my stomach and it felt so much more in line with how I want to do things***. Jack came into my room later that day and said, "Mom, I thought Christmas was perfect. I got some fun things, but it felt just right. I have always felt weird getting a bunch of stuff when I know there are people that do not have food or clothes." Ahhh. Those moments you wait for as a mom.

I hope your Christmas was lovely too.

*** Disclaimer - I am not preaching in any way shape or form on how much money should be spent at Christmas. Every family needs to figure that out. I am sure there are people that would still look at what I spent and think it was very wasteful. I just think we all have our own personal value system that when followed brings us some amount of peace. This year I got closer to abiding by mine. Please do not think I am making definitive judgments on what everyone else should spend.